Can I switch topics slightly for a bit???

Tonight as I went through my ritual of stalking blogs about Sisterlocks, looking for inspiration and checking for the different styles, colors, and looks as I anxiously wait for my installation day to arrive, I came across a new blogger that is sharing her specific journey (among other things).  Her SL's are beautiful, her make-up is flawless, her physical shape/weight is plump, and her personality is AWESOME!  She has this level of confidence about herself that is vibrantly exposed through her presentations!

It lead me to reflect on myself for a minute...

I am a plus-sized woman.  I wear a size 14/16, depending on the cut.  My weight fluctuates up to .... (not comfortable enough to expose that to you... :-/    ) and although in my husband's eyes, I am beautiful as I am...

 

 

 In My eyes, I am a fat girl.  If ever you ask me where did I find my cute clothing item, my typical response is "at the fat girl store"...  Yes,  I can stand to lose some weight, but I think that my interpretation of my weight is distorted.

I have always been on the chunky side.  I remember my Nanny calling me her "Cute little butterball" and my mom shopping in the "pretty-plus" department when I was growing up....  (Sidenote... "Pretty-plus"...  That was a name right...)  My mom was always thin when I grew up... I think she was like a size 7 or 9 or something.  I remember asking her if I was going to lose weight when I got older.  She lied to me!!  She told me YES, that it was "baby-fat" and it would leave as I got older ... SMH  (I'm not angry with my mom for her LIES. LOL)  But as I got older, it was clear that I would not have the thin shape of my mother.

  I had inherited the shape of my father.  Yes, the infamous apple shape.  Top heavy, large breasts, big legs and big calf muscles and a little belly :-(.  The only thing that I got from my mother's shape was a waist, which I am so thankful for...  So anyhow, as I grew up,  I learned to accentuate my positives, and hide my "ahem..." other areas.  Although I have always known that I was an attractive person, I have always been aware of my weight.  I have been on so many "weight-loss" kicks since middle school.  Some were successful and others were not.  And the ones that were successful, typically ended in me returning the weight.  I just have never seemed to get it right....

Now, at the age of 34 and a mother to three beautiful sons, I still worry about losing the weight...  I admit to flaking on events because I didn't have anything to wear that looked well (I don't do that too much anymore), and God forbid if I was feeling fat and my hair was a mess....  I think that I have always tried to keep my hair looking well because it would take the attention off of my weight.  (But was anyone else worried about my weight like I was?)  I can only imagine your question... "If it bothers you so much, why don't you diet and exercise?"

Well, I did/do, but I am not consistent enough to see a distinctive change.  I am married with 3 children, I work full time, my kids are busy and their social lives are more popping than mine.  I have not quite mastered the idea of making "me" time consistently (although I am working on that now), and often when I do have "me" time, I like to spend it hanging out with friends or just plain RELAXING.  And plus, working out with the black woman hair issue was a whole new topic, which prevented me from a consistent workout.  Another thing that discouraged me was the slow results.  If I worked out and ate well, I wanted to see consistent change...  I mean at least 1 pound loss a week.  If I didn't then that would be another factor in my discontinued inconsistency.  Yeah, it may sound like a bunch of excuses, but hey... it's my story.

Living in So. Cal, looks are important.  You know, that L.A. Swag,...  Tight clothes, high heels, long hair (weaved or not), big butt, and a small waist... You gotta love it right...  Some people can be so shallow :-).  Some people believe that if you don't have a certain look that includes the above characteristics then you are not beautiful or a BaDD B****.  So where does this thick waisted, choklett diva fit in?  How do I compete with these "Beautiful skinnies"?  Now... don't misunderstand me, it's not about other people accepting me... I have been happily married to my highschool sweetheart for the last 14 years (and was with him for 5 years prior to getting married), but about my comfort with myself.  There is something about when I look in the mirror and see the thickness in my waist, shoulders, arms, and face that leads me to say, "you REALLY need to lose weight."  So my question is WHY and WHEN??    When will I look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman that I am and not the flaws with my weight?  When will I look in the mirror and be comfortable in my skin?  Why do I have such an issue with my weight anyway??  I get it.. Health is important.  It is important to be FIT.  BUT what if I do all that I am supposed to do, eat well and exercise and lose weight.   But what if I don't have the "look" that I want, even with the weight loss, will I ever be truly content with my weight?

As I watched the Blog, and looked at this beautiful, plus-sized woman with this personality that didn't scream "Hide me, I am not a perfect size small" I thought to myself... This woman is AWESOME!  Her confidence does not peek through, but YELLS "I am here!"  Now, the interesting thing is that I too can have the same personality.  But it is not constant.

 I also have a cousin Ms. Sunset Brown (her stage name b/c she is a talented vocalist in a live band called Homegrowne Entertainment from Los Angeles), that I admire although she is younger than me.  She is also a plus-sized, lock wearing, beautiful brown skinned diva.  Her personality also screams... "I'm here, and ya'll better get ready because I stay ready".

I really admire that confidence in plus-sized women that do not allow society's shallow standards of beauty to dictate how she should feel about her own beauty.  As I continue to evolve as a woman, the confidence in my beauty, despite the thickness in my face and waist, continues to grow.  Now, I don't have any daughters, but I make sure to tell young girls how beautiful they are.  I work in elementary schools and live in an area with quite a few biracial girls that have a light skin complexion with long, curly/wavy hair that get told that they are beautiful or pretty often. However, I am very sure to tell my beautiful choklett babies, with kinky hair or chubby faces/waists how beautiful they are as well!

Although it doesn't happen as often as it used to, I am moving to a point where I look in the mirror and see my beauty and not the weight.  I am getting to the place where I can accept my weight.  Although I will not stop striving to be fit, and will work on losing a few pounds, I will not allow it to determine how I feel about myself.


P.S.  I have uploaded all those pictures above but forgot to share my most prized possessions, my 3 sons...

Please excuse my rant and babbles... This was a very personal post to me that discussed my insecurities with self...  But I am sure that I am not alone with this battle..  I believe that sharing is caring and expressing is releasing.  I hope that my blog can help the way that you feel of yourself or others, or even how some comments that you may say can affect how others feel.

Hope you enjoyed....  Please feel free to comment....  

--Choklett